Why am I depressed after a one night stand?

Dear Reader,  

It sounds like this experience has left you with more questions and difficult feelings than you expected. People can have a wide variety of responses to a one-night stand, whether they’re positive or negative. It’s possible to feel sad, lonely, or emotionally disconnected after a one-night stand. You’re not alone in feeling this way. Sex can involve physical and emotional intimacy, and a one-night stand may leave little time to build a connection. Some people feel unfulfilled afterward, while others enjoy casual sex without these feelings. 

Moreover, there may not be one clear reason for how you feel. It may help to think about what you were hoping to get from the experience, what sex and intimacy mean to you, and what you hoped would happen afterward. Whatever you’re feeling, one experience does not determine your value. 

Why are you feeling sad and depressed after a one-night stand? 

Research shows that hookups don’t directly cause depression or other mental health problems. Everyone reacts differently to casual sex, and there can be several reasons to explain how you feel afterward.  

• You may have wanted more of an emotional connection. You may have experienced sexual intimacy without emotional intimacy. There may be part of you that was hoping for a lasting connection. Sex without an emotional connection can leave you feeling lonely, disappointed, or rejected. 
• You may be wondering what the experience meant to them. If they didn’t contact you afterwards or ask for your number, you might be seeking a form of reassurance. Sex can be vulnerable and you might want to understand their feelings about the situation or if they found you to be desirable. 
• You may not feel satisfied. Sex with first-time partners, whether it’s casual or not, may feel unfamiliar and uncomfortable. There may not have been an opportunity to express your needs or sexual desires. You also mentioned that this happened at a club. If alcohol was involved, it’s possible that you and your one-night stand made decisions that didn’t match your wants. 
• Something about the experience may not have felt right to you.  Consider whether you felt comfortable, safe, and able to speak up about what you wanted. If you didn’t, that could be part of why you’re having a hard time with it now. If this is the case, there are resources available to help you talk through your feelings and any next steps.  

These feelings aren’t limited to women. Men can also have difficult feelings after casual sex, including disappointment, regret, or feeling uncomfortable with the experience afterward. People respond to one-night stands in different ways, and these reactions can happen regardless of gender.   

What impact might a one-night-stand have on your self-esteem?   

While casual sexual encounters don’t always lead someone to feel unattractive or worthless, plenty of people feel this way. After casual sex, you may feel regret, blame, or feel used. Factors such as age, gender, how you interpret the experience, and expectations of the sexual experience can determine the impact on self-esteem. For others, it may not change how they feel about themselves.   

How can you reflect on your one-night stand?  

You can use this experience to think about what felt right or wrong for you and what you may want in the future. You could ask yourself: 

• What about the experience has been bothering me the most? 
• Was there something I hoped would happen during or afterward? 
• Did I feel comfortable with what was happening? 
• What would I want to be different next time? 
• How might I communicate, or plan for, these needs if this were to happen again? 

Thinking about these questions may help you see the experience in a way that feels more clear to you.  

How can you move forward from here?  

You don’t have to figure out your feelings right away. Give yourself some time to process the experience and decide what would be helpful for you now. You might: 

• Give yourself some space. Try not to make a judgment about yourself based on how you feel the day after the experience. Feelings can change as you have more time to process what happened. 
• Talk it through. Speaking with a trusted friend or someone else you feel comfortable speaking with who can help you sort through your feelings. 
• Write down your thoughts. This can help you notice what has been bothering you and separate what happened from the conclusions you may be drawing about yourself. 
• Think about what you want going forward. You might decide that you want more communication before or after sex, more time to get to know someone, or simply a different kind of sexual experience. There isn’t one right answer. 
• Take care of yourself in the meantime. Keep up with your usual routines, spend time with people you enjoy, and do things that help you feel grounded. 

If your emotions continue or begin to interfere with your everyday life, talking with a mental health 
professional may help. You also don’t have to wait until the feelings become overwhelming before 
reaching out for support. If you’re concerned that your experience may not have been consensual, you may also consider reaching out for additional support through a local rape crisis center or the National Sexual Assault Hotline.  
 

Whatever you take from this experience, it can be one part of learning more about what you want from 
future sexual experiences and discovering what feels right for you. 

Wishing you well,