Should I get serious with someone from a different background?

Dear Reader, 

It sounds like you’re balancing conflicting emotions about your relationship. Dating someone from a different background can mean differences in areas like culture, family, and social class. And it may not be easy to navigate those differences. As you reflect on your relationship, it’s worth asking yourself if you feel like you can accept your partner’s background. If not, it may be fair to consider whether this relationship is the right fit.  

How can you decide if a more serious future together is possible?  

Deciding to become more serious or to end things comes down to figuring out what feels manageable and worth the effort for you. Learning more about your partner’s background can make a big difference. Exploring their cultures through food and traditions can create opportunities for connection. Over time, these moments can build comfort and common ground. 

However, your partner deserves respect and understanding for who they are and their background. If that's not a place you can reach, then it may not be a match. Approaching a relationship with an open mind while reflecting along the way can help you figure out what kind of relationship works for you.  

What is important to you in your relationship?  

 Many romantic relationships can feel like a merging of cultures, experiences, and families as each person brings their own background into the relationship. There might be similarities or differences, such as race, religion, or class. Sometimes, learning how to navigate those differences is a natural part of the relationship. That said, it can help you and your partner reflect independently as these differences come up. You both might ask yourselves: 

• Does your partner’s background matter to you?  
• Is it important to you to date someone with a similar background?  
• What does it look like to be open-minded about your boyfriend’s family? 
• What does it mean to “deal” with your boyfriend’s family? 

If you feel like you want to be with someone with a similar background to you, that is something to consider. You and your partner should both be with people who are excited and accepting of each other’s backgrounds and values.  

What influence do want your family to have in your relationship? 

It sounds like your parents are sharing their opinions with you. A helpful place to start is asking yourself: If your parents had no opinion about this, how would you feel?  Reflecting on your parents’ values can help you determine whether their values in this area align with yours. You can also as yourself questions based on how you feel about their opinions: 

• Do you share your parents’ concerns about your relationship? 
• Are you feeling uncomfortable by your parents’ opinions.   
• What type of relationship would you like to have with your respective families?  
• What concerns may your partner's family have about your relationship? 

You and your parents might not always want the same things. You also may really value their input, and that’s also okay. Speaking with your parents about how you want to navigate your relationship can create more clarity.  

Part of sorting this out also involves boundaries. Boundaries help you define what feels healthy, supportive, or overwhelming in your relationships. Setting boundaries with your parents can involve being honest about your choices or deciding how much influence their opinions have on your decisions. 

How can you communicate with your partner? 

You might want to talk with your partner about what each of you is willing to navigate, such as family expectations or cultural differences. This may be a tough conversation because family and backgrounds can bring up some intense emotions. But open communication can bring clarity.  

When you’re ready to talk, it might be helpful to ask about your partner’s experiences, too.   Keep in mind people can’t control their backgrounds or their family. Sometimes, subtle comments or behaviors can make someone feel judged because of their background or identity. These behaviors are called microaggressions. Even if microaggressions seem unintentional, they can still be hurtful. 

An important way to approach communication is to focus on being honest and respectful with yourself and your partner. Listening can also go a long way in helping both of you feel understood and uninterrupted.  

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You don’t have to figure this out alone. Talking to a trusted friend, someone in a similar relationship, or a mental health professional can help you sort through what aligns with your wants and needs for your future. 

Overall, dating across different backgrounds is about learning how to navigate differences with honesty, curiosity, and respect.  

Wishing you the best,